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Despite our heroic efforts to snatch Florida from the cockroaches, election night came and went without a clear winner. Refusing to fight like men, yet unwilling to surrender to their fate, the vermin, under the leadership of that tiresome headmaster, Al Gore, seemed content to stifle all action in a fog of hanging chads and obsolete election laws. To understand how this affected me, just visit any zoo and observe the frightful misery of the lion as he ceaselessly paces his cage, stopping now and again only to emit a heart-rending roar of despair.
Backing out of every Republican candidate, the Democratic party jumped in docile panic to Gore when he assured them that the Supreme Court would soon insure them a victory, even if stolen by well-greased vote counters. Unscrupulous in their enterprise, they somehow convinced Gore (who is anyway the most unscrupulous of all political leaders) to steal Florida for them by promising to put him on the Supreme Court. Thus, although the Republicans (and the nation) 'won' Florida by a mere 537 votes, and should have had a representative in the US Senate, the Democrats have a Supreme Court nominee. Just like that!
According to Leon Panetta (Gore's chief of staff), Gore "worked hard to keep all the ballots secret" so "you don't know what really happened" except that more than 1 million ballots cast in Republican counties were either thrown out or partially counted. Specifically at issue are the votes of the 5.8 million, mostly middle class and largely white Republicans, who voted out of disgust for Bush (or, mostly, rather, for not being George W. Bush). Yet, in the hearts of 'concerned' liberals like Gore, it was really only the good old boys who could be counted on to vote Democratic this time, and so Gore could count on them to swamp the GOP. If not for the 'hanging chads', Gore would have controlled the vote nationally himself and either easily prevailed in the Senate or win the presidency.
The facts of this heinous, immoral ballot stuffing are now well known, as proven by a count of the votes certified by federal officials. And unlike Gore's army of detail men and women that verified the certificate and signed it with "See Secretary of State?" this time it was not prepared in advance. It came from the federal employee who did it. d2c66b5586
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